It gets worse each year

sorry...long post.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Each year at Christmas time I get busier and busier. I load myself up with more projects, more goodies to give out and generally more stress. This year was no exception. By Thanksgiving I was "done" shopping for Christmas gifts. We've only got my brother to shop for but I've passed that onto Tyler as it's his "name" this year (we draw names or assign them each year on both sides).

This year in my brilliant strategy to be creative and save money I suggested we have a "homemade" gift exchange w/my side of the family. Although I am saving money (ultimately, because I will re-use supplies such as thread and extra fabric, etc) the time I put into these gifts ends up being the same as I do rounding them all up at stores. But I am a perfectionist in many ways. I want to buy gifts that have meaning, thoughtfulness and a personal touch. I spend a lot of time thinking of what I should get each person, how and if they will like it. Will they use it? Will it be attractive? Will it also reflect my tastes and still be theirs? etc, etc. Plus I am frugal so I want to find the BEST deal possible and still make it a worthy gift.
So in all my haste to get this year rounded up I find myself stressed still the same.

I still have to make 2 pair pj bottoms for the kids, 4 "quilted" stockings, Jocelyn's apron, and some burp cloths for baby gifts. Not to mention the wrapping and stocking stuffing, etc. And Christmas is less than 2 weeks away people! I am NOT counting down the days excitedly. Which is sad bcse I LOVE this time of year! I love watching my kids open their presents with glee. I love receiving the compliments from those I gave presents to. I love the joy and remembrance and togetherness. But I am a little out of focus right now. Will the kids even notice that the fabric that's been sitting pre-washed in the laundry basket was turned into jammies or not? Will Jocelyn's birthday be ruined because she didn't get the homemade apron that she doesn't even know about???? No!!!! So why am I stressed?

This is what the last 2 days have looked like:
Wednesday:
8am--do dishes, start laundry, make muddy buddies for neighbor gifts
9:30-10:30--exercise at Church w/Jill and Lori.
10:30-11:30--try to download photo's to Costco's desperately slow online photo center. Find out the cropping tool is a joke and beg my dad to help me out.
11:30--Shower and get ready.
12-run to Costco. Get stuff for Ward Christmas Party (I am on the Activities Committee).
1--Visit teach.
1:30-eat lunch.
2--put kids down for naps.
3--instead of make decorations for Christmas party, blog, email, download photos to facebook. Then try, for another 1 1/2 hours, to crop, edit and download pictures to stupid costco!!!!!
4:30--very frustrated, and kids waking up, I put the kids in front of the babysitter (TV) and start dinner.
5:30-7--dinner, cleaning up, etc
7---go to a friend, Susan's, house to make hair bows for Christmas gifts (and making up for not being able to make them at Super Saturday way back in October).
8:45--run over to mall to return some stuff.
9--run over to $1 store to find decoration stuff for party (yay, for extended shopping hours).
10--come home. Start making Christmas decorative wreaths and watch "House" on internet w/Tyler.
12:30--finally lye down in bed but don't get to sleep until about 1 am.

Thursday:
Morning: Clean and fold 6 loads of laundry; scrub both bathrooms; vacuum.
12: 45--eat lunch; make more muddy buddies; bag muddy buddies;
1pm--run over to Walgreens for more party decoration stuff
1:30-2:45--visit teach.
2:45--run over to $1 store and exchange broken tea lights (seriously, you get what you pay for.....but I was desperate....all of the Costco's in the valley were out of them and weren't getting them in until after the party!!!!)
3--run to grocery store
3:30--home, chat w/Melanie downstairs for a bit
4:30--finally check email.
5--start dinner and go and deliver goodies to neighbors (Samuel insists on giving them out individually w/no help. And taking turns w/Jocelyn giving the people a bag....even though she is generally too shy to give it to them anyway). While I was talking w/one of the neighbors about some of her trials, etc, at her doorstep, the kids were getting impatient and Samuel whacked Jocelyn in the back of the head w/one of the muddy buddy bags. And it exploded on her and all over the ground. She looked like an Aborginaee again (too bad I didn't have my camera). Samuel was so sad that we didn't have another goody bag and hardly sad that he whacked Jocelyn. I was stunned....I just stood there looking at for like 30 seconds...Luckily, we had an extra one on hand and the friend swept it off her doorstep. LOL.
6--Finally come home and finish preparing dinner. I'm starving.
6:30--eat
7--bathtime....I let them have a bubble bath and they had a ball and didn't pour/splash water onto the floor this time!!!!
7:45--got the kids dressed and lotioned up, read them stories.
8--lights out....so I hoped.....
9:30--after an hour and half of fighting them and threatening and swatting them and locking myself in my room, I find Jocelyn doing this, sopping wet, (for the third time in 2 days). Why she does this I do not know. But it was only funny the first time. (Oh, I attempted to cut her bangs...um ya).

I pulled her out of the sink, stripped her of her wet jammies and plunk (maybe not that nicely) in her bed and slam the door. Go into my bedroom and lose it. I finally caved. All the stress just came tumbling down. I literally collapsed to my knees and asked for help from the Lord. I couldn't take it anymore. I still had 4 loads of laundry to fold, some dishes to clean AND I still have to finish these party wreaths. So instead of doing them I am blogging :). Plus tomorrow it continues w/appointments, volunteering in the Family History Center (I do every Friday now for 3 hours) and setting up for the party.

I've had a whirlwind of a week and tomorrow is no better. Unfortunately the kids have watched a lot of TV and I've been very sharp w/them. But my point in all of this therapeutic ranting is to prove to myself that I do it to myself! I load myself up and try to do it all until I crumble. I think I am strong enough and I keep pushing myself and stretching myself as long and far as possible until I collapse. And it happened tonight. But now I am breathing and trying to get over it and prioritize my time. But in all my crying I realized that my kids just want me for Christmas. Yes, Samuel is expecting some pretty awesome toys (that's what he thinks...) but really they just want me to play w/them and be w/them which is hard for me sometimes....I just want to do, do, do.....I really shouldn't try running faster than I can't.

Anyway, I hope you all have a better perspective at this time of year. Even though I feel like a chicken w/it's head cut off and my body literally gets jittery when I am this busy and stressed I like this time of year. I truly love it and I look forward to Christmas morning. But I also love being generous and helpful. Helping my in-active sisters that I visit teach. And feeling of the Savior's love.

But now I'm off to laundry folding (it can't wait on top of our bed or it will just commute to the laundry basket again) and wreath making! Thanks for listening!