Growing pains

Warning: long post.

As Anne put it best, "I am in the depths of despair." Only, I feel Anne's despair was just a tip of the iceberg. She was only a teen and had not yet had children.

For over a week now I've had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day....every day. I've learned it's a combination of things and perhaps a build up of others. Here is a list of just a few.

--I cannot potty train Samuel to poop in the potty.
--I was called back for a play...but not cast....again.
--I have repenting to do for yelling and spanking my kids a lot lately.
--I am not pregnant after trying for a few months. (I know it's not very long, but each month it gets harder to accept the fact)
--I have guilt for wanting another child when I can barely raise the two that I have.
--We are poor.
--I have had a cold for 3 weeks now and counting. My kids have too. But then last week their colds developed into pink eye and then an ear infection and then diarrhea. Luckily, they did not complain and were very well behaved.
--as a result of being sick--we've been homebound and developed cabin fever from outside and friends.
--My kids have been fighting going to sleep for weeks now.
--I get let down by others who don't do what is right, especially when they know they should. That includes myself and my children.
--I haven't felt like making dinner in weeks.
--I am afraid I am getting depressed again.

Now, that I have that all off my chest I feel a little better. But now I know I need to remedy these problems.

I have felt overwhelmed since before my trip. But it's pressures I've put upon myself and so feel I can fix them myself.

In my short experience w/depression this is what happened. I was living in Paris at the time. It was September. The honeymoon phased had worn off of living in a foreign romantic city and I was alone. I had a bad experience w/a French lady in the ward. My American friend moved back to the States and I was alone. Tyler was struggling w/his internship that he hated and reverted to playing his computer game a lot. I was a tall, curly haired, not a sized 4 American living in Paris with no family nearby. I was depressed. I had never felt it before but this was real. It was a constant battle for 2 months. But after 2 months of this wallowing and wandering I realized it needed to change. That I needed to change. So the first of November it did. I made a choice. I started running. I started losing weight. I developed goals and reached for them. I received a new calling in Church. I started working, only once a week, as an English tutor to a little French girl. By Thanksgiving I was healed. Spiritually, mentally and physically. I got over my depression. And then it became Christmas. It was a happy time and when I look back on living in Paris, that is my most cherished. I learned a lot during that time. I learned about myself. What I could handle. At the time, I couldn't understand but looking back I see how I grew. I see how I stretched. (blogging definitely helped me remember this too). Growing pains. or like character stretch marks. Though they are ugly they give you character and depth, right?

Here is what I have done so far to get over this current funk.

First, cried a lot.
Second, been a "bad" mommy (according to Samuel), a raunchy sister, friend and wife.
Thirdly, cried some more.
Fourth, fasted and prayed.
Fifth, tried to feel enlightened enough to read about hope and how to overcome trials.
Sixth, blogged, or blog spewed. How about: blog eruption.
Seventh, TBA, pinpoint the problem and resolve to kill it.
Eighth, fix it and move on.

I am working on 5, 7 and 8 right now. I want to get over this. I need to get over this. It's very dark. I don't like being in this rut. I want to be my normal self again, whoever that is.

I fasted for myself last week. That I could be more patient w/Samuel in attempting to potty train again. I think it worked, a little bit. And our RS president is a saint. She watched my sick kids last week on her day off so that I could commit to volunteering in the local Family History Center. But she also shared her testimony in RS last week . She reminded us that there must be opposition in all things. That has stuck with me. I realized that, as much as it sucks, we have to have trials. Elder Uchtdorf said it's okay to fail. I learned that back in my acting days (and my lack of acting days today) too. Tyler always used to tell me, when I thought life was hard in college, that "this too shall pass." He would tell that to me over and over again. He is so wise. He also taught me that in order to have happiness we must have goals. We must value something and work toward it.

So these are my goals:
1. Repent.
2. Pray some more and seek help from the Lord. Seek answers.
3. Start exercising again.
4. Let my kids help out. Give them goals too. Like a job chart complete w/stickers and rewards. (thanks mom for the suggestion)
5. Continue to serve others.
6. Read my scriptures.
7. Not yell at my kids and spank so much.
8. Try to get pregnant again (maybe that's TMI)
9. Make a priority list of the things that I want to accomplish and get them done, in the right manner and time.
10 Forget myself and get to work.
11. Be happy.

Can you tell that I am "list" person?

I didn't want to vent to get attention or make you feel sad. I did it for myself, firstly. Therapy. Then I did it publicly to let you know what I have been feeling. That it's not been easy. But perhaps you're experiencing something similar and perhaps you can learn from this. As hard as it can be, the Gospel makes my life easier. It gives me hope. It gives me perspective. It brings me joy. Though I feel a lot of guilt for not always doing the right things I know that change is good and that I need to grow up.