It was the worst of times it was the best of times.

WARNING: Incredibly long post. But an important one.
I wasn't going to blog about this but I decided that I should. There are several of you who do read this that I am close to (mainly through blogging) and I didn't want to email everyone individually. I apologize to those who already know this about me.

This last year (2008 until now) has been a difficult year. Perhaps the most challenging of my life. I don't need to remind you all of why, you've read enough complaints from me. But this week was the icing on top of the toppling cake. Here is how it went. I know this is a bit personal....like I said, I didn't want to blog about it before. But honestly, it helps me out. And I think it gives others a perspective on my life and help others who have already gone through something like this.

Stomach flu + miscarriage=crappy week.

This is what I get for too being grateful last week. So this week I am grateful for modern inventions:

--Clorox wipes: For cleaning up after two vomiting children, two diarhetic child and one that cannot manage to get his in the potty. Plus two diarhetic adults and 1 vomiting husband.

--Washing machines: to be able to do the 10th load of laundry for the aforementioned unmentionables.

--Microwaves: for re-heating leftovers for dinner during a hard week (which may have given us the stomach bug..still unknown).

--Modern medicine: for those who have miscarriages.

--Cell phones: to call people for support when in need.

--TV--to act as a babysitter when all mom wants to do is sleep or research Webmd.com or miscarriages online. And then to be able to entertain the whole family when we're all sick.

--Laptop: portable internet.

--Internet: to be able to order cool designer fabrics on sale from Etsy! (one good thing this week)

--Large mixing bowls: to puke in.

--Kleenex (Or just my sleeve): to wipe away the tears.

For some reason, I figured I would miscarry at some point. Only 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. But when I discovered I was pregnant nearly 2 weeks ago I already had my announcement in mind (how to blog about it and inform my family). But I had almost immediately felt back pains and minor cramping, which I hadn't experienced before. So when I started spotting, I knew something was different about this pregnancy. And obviously, it didn't keep. It has been hard. I don't know if I have fully "recovered" from it yet but I also have strength in the Lord, family and friends to help me through this.

I know things happen for a reason. I have faith that my Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us, as menial as we may feel at times. I certainly don't know why I needed to have this challenge at this time. I don't know if that will be my last pregnancy either. I just don't know yet. But I have faith that things will work out.

It's interesting.... life is. Let me reflect a little. When I was in high school, my sophomore year, I tried out for the varsity volleyball team. I really enjoyed it and improved as the week long try-outs went on. But ultimately I was cut. But that same semester I was in an acting class and discovering I really enjoyed that as well. One thing turned into another, one dream developed into another. Because I was cut from sports I was able to focus my attention on the arts. And thank heavens I did! I am a late bloomer, in all categories of life. But I am also a perfectionist and perserverer (not a real word....) And had I not been rejected by sports I don't think I would have pushed as hard for excelling in drama. At the time, my sophomore mind could not see the perspective. It was too immature to wrap itself around future goals and dreams or glories. But looking back, I can now see where the Lord was taking me. One opportunity turned into another.

Last year as I struggled with rejection with the my biggest dream since that high school experience....acting, I was angry. I have been rejected several times while in college but my skin was not as thick as it was then, or something. And I struggled w/this loss. I kept trying, because I don't give up easily, and still got cut. But now, NOW after nearly 6 months from last being rejected, I have a better perspective. I could not understand THEN why Heavenly Father allowed my dream to be shattered once again! It was the perfect opportunity...not breastfeeding, not pregnant, Tyler's schedule open at nights, etc. Why did it have to happen? It added to depression and confusion and anger. I felt myself slipping and losing faith.

But in the last few weeks (and months), as I've been addicted to opening my shop on Etsy and then dealing with the joys and sadness of pregnancy and loss, my eyes have been opened.

Perhaps Heavenly Father has blessed me with this other talent--sewing and creating. I don't know if it's too premature to be saying this. I honestly hope not. I hope that that window to the big stage has been closed for now and that as I've turned my back on it, so to speak, I've turned around to see other talents that I can be developing at this time, through this new window. I started sewing like mad during the time I was rejected from theatre. It was an emotional and creative outlet--just like acting. But now I see it as a turn in the road. A different direction. My kids are my inspiration for my work and I can be home with them while I do it.

I hope that all made sense and that you had the energy to read it all. Life is interesting. Perhaps my Etsy dream is all in vain too. Perhaps this hellish week simply needed to happen to say, "slow down, pay attention to your family and buck up!" But I don't know.

I have a lot of catching up to do. Being sick sure puts things back. I seriously have at least 7 loads of clean laundry sitting in my hallway that needs to be folded. Oh, I did think of another good thing that happened this week.

While we all had stomach flu (or whatever it is) I got to sleep from 9-3, almost non-stop! The kids were soooo understanding (and Samuel was sick still so he slept too). I only had to clean up and change a few bed linens/diapers. Tyler mostly hung out on the couch and watched golf and Jocelyn. It was miserable being sick but helpful that we were all sick together (Tyler was able to stay home from teaching and I called in sick for my volunteer duty to the family history center).

And the 2nd funny thing (sorry this is so long). As I was trying to puke at 1 am, Samuel had just finished his round of doing so, and came into my bathroom wondering what I was doing. As I was dry-heaving (lovely details, eh?), Tyler later told me, he kept saying, "just relax, mommy....that's what I do". He was coaching me! He sat next to me the whole time I was in the bathroom. Way to go Samuel! He's my little sweetheart. I guess he is learning something from all this vomiting.

Anyway, perspective is an interesting thing. I sometimes wish I could magically turn 55 (even w/all the added physical changes) just to have that wisdom for an hour. But then life wouldn't be worth living if we knew exactly what was going to happen. How boring would that be? I am grateful for faith. I am grateful for eternal families, immediate, extended, all kinds. I am grateful for my ancestors who had struggled before me to pave the path for me and my children. I am grateful for perspective.